a recent middle of the night meal
a bowl of trader joe's o's
two pieces of deli cheddar cheese
marshmallows

some tasks I have run for our giovanni
hot and sour soup delivery
hot and sour soup delivery
drive to and from spray tan
hot and sour soup delivery

things I fantasize about when I consider taking the whole week off at thanksgiving
staying in bed
watching korean tv
pajamas
hot chocolate
sleep
knitting
no human contact

what I will probably actually be doing the week of thanksgiving
running projections for a disney show with the symphony and trying to look professional while I sing along under my breath

a decent metaphor for my heart
two and a half years ago I was knocked down as I was trying to maneuver several hundred pounds of hay. on my right thigh I have a scar from being forcefully slammed into the lip of the little truck I was driving. it's a visible dent, the width of maybe two fingers. it's fully healed, just dented. if I push on it, it produces a very dull ache.

I believe this is how this thing with g will always be: a thing that will heal with time but will somehow, also, always hurt.

recent google searches
how to build a balloon arch
balloon arch tape
red chuck taylors
fraggle rock theme song
piriformis spasm
bob woodruff hairpiece
peter dinklage

single word said recently to the opera timpanist which subsequently made him crack up
frankenberry

top 5 favorite candies, as requested by the timpanist
cadbury cream eggs
laffy taffy (strawberry or cherry only, none of that banana-flavored shit)
charleston chew
valomilk
gummi sour apple rings

bottom 5, as requested by no one
peeps
candy corn
jelly beans
red vines
necco wafers

backstage noises I have been asked to make in the past seven years, onomotopoeia style
boom
rumble
ding
crank
bang bang bang

the general consensus
still sad

a probably true thing
I'm going to have to write my way out of this.

books 2012

1. george r.r. martin: a clash of kings
2. george r.r. martin: a storm of swords
3. stieg larsson: the girl who played with fire
4. john & mary gribbin: galileo in 90 minutes
5. suor maria celeste & dava sobel: letters to father: suor maria celeste to galileo, 1623-1633
6. george r.r. martin: a feast for crows
7. stieg larsson: the girl who kicked the hornet's nest
8. tea obreht: the tiger's wife 
9. lauren groff: delicate edible birds
10. piper kerman: orange is the new black: my year in a women's prison
11. rebecca skloot: the immortal life of henrietta lacks
12. abraham verghese: cutting for stone
13. ali smith: there but for the
14. karen spears zacharias: the silence of mockingbirds
15. rudyard kipling: the jungle book
16. marilynne robinson: gilead
17. george r.r. martin: a song of ice and fire: a dance with dragons
18. c.s. lewis: till we have faces: a myth retold
19. cheryl strayed: tiny beautiful things: advice on love and life from dear sugar
20. madeleine l'engle: a wrinkle in time
21. madeleine l'engle: a wind in the door
22. madeleine l'engle: a swiftly tilting planet
23. madeleine l'engle: many waters
24. ursula le guin: lavinia
25. margaret atwood: oryx and crake
26. rebecca stead: when you reach me
27. cheryl strayed: torch
28. leanne shapton: swimming studies
29. cheryl strayed: wild: from lost to found on the pacific crest trail

books 2011

1. betty smith: joy in the morning
2. jean thompson: who do you love
-
3. cory doctorow: down and out in the magic kingdom
4. p.g. wodehouse: my man jeeves
5. d.h. lawrence: the rainbow
6. david grann: the lost city of z
7. isaac bashevis singer: shosha
8. karen pryor: don't shoot the dog! the new art of teaching and training
9. jason tesar: the awakened: part one
10. laura whitcomb: a certain slant of light
11. thich nhat hanh: true love
12. george r.r. martin: a game of thrones: a song of ice and fire
13. mike foster: gracenomics
14. malcolm gladwell: what the dog saw, and other adventures
15. suzanne collins: the hunger games
16. suzanne collins: catching fire
17. suzanne collins: mockingjay
18. stieg larsson: the girl with the dragon tattoo
19. malcolm gladwell: blink: the power of thinking without thinking

more miscellany

things you don't often hear fron conductors
"I don't know what that instrument is, but could you play it louder?"

what all that kale looked like

(click through for notes)

for reference, those are full-size bell peppers; I had to stand on a chair to get the full shot.

more things the cats have destroyed
makeup brushes, which were somehow extracted from my zipped makeup bag and thereupon drooled all over
about 30 q-tips, pulled from a not-quite-closed bathroom drawer, drooled upon, and scattered throughout the bathroom and hallway
cotton balls, likewise
bathroom rug, repeatedly
bathroom towels, not destroyed but climbed upon and coated in cat hair
my sanity, increasingly

what I'm yearning for lately
another thanksgiving furlough

how I only partially missed halloween


I didn't dress up this year -- until the last minute, I thought I'd be working all three nights of halloween weekend -- but a certain someone and I did at least pick and carve pumpkins. I think I like his better. it's sly. plus, the face of mine (on the left) is very obviously rotting at the bottom. we can't all be beautiful all the time, I suppose.

rehearsal notes, etc.

serious issues discussed in the production meeting for hansel & gretel
the relative size and color of cuckoo feathers versus partridge feathers
bubbling sinks
the logistics of getting crew members to physically hold up a set wall mid-show

things I've discovered my cats eating, chewing, or otherwise destroying in the past week
newspapers
my bike tires
my bike pedals
thumbtacks off the wall
the carpet
the fuzzy throw on my futon

ways I was a big girl on my 30-mile bike ride yesterday, because sometimes you have to celebrate small milestones
I rode on the street
WITH CARS
I remembered how to ride no-hands
I crossed several major streets without falling off my bike or getting run over
I rode on a really big street. with cars!
I lost my way 3 times, biked off onto 3 small adventures, and then resumed my journey

oh by the way
I forgot to tell you I bought a bike back in September.



Portland is simultaneously the nicest place to bike -- because it's so bike-friendly -- and the scariest, because everybody and their grandma is a cyclist and I haven't been on a bike in 5 years. Of course there's that stupid tired old cliche about how you never forget, and while that's true in the vague sense, you sure do forget how to turn properly, steer, or angle your pelvis so your butt doesn't turn to hamburger. Fortunately I remembered how to do these things now, mostly.

excerpts from the rehearsal notes from hansel & gretel
"could the jello be taller?"

"thanks for the beads today -- they saved rehearsal. thankfully, no one tried to eat them."

"Super Maggie is the cake car driver."

"The cake car makes horrible squealing sounds when rolling around."

"Could we try 2 nasal aspirators full of glitter?"

"Please ADD a child's head in a plastic bag for the Act 3 refrigerator dressing."

"One of the kids is dropped to the ground by the Witch. This explains some of the previously existing dents."

"Please give the lard some weight."

"The hand with the removable finger has broken."

maybe the best rehearsal note ever, from our 2005 Tosca:
"The main curtain was blowing upstage, hitting the writing desk at the end of act II, the desk in act III, and causing the dead Cavaradossi to come alive to pull his arm upstage before the final curtain hit."

what stress can do for you
last Thursday (day 29) I ran a 6:46 mile. (no. 16). I wasn't even trying.

small victories

• finally fixed my laptop, whose internal fan has been running constantly -- for no reason -- for almost two weeks.
  
• updated my address with various insurance agencies, subscription services, doctor's offices, and banks
  
• rode my horse for the first time in two weeks. I thought she was going to be unmanageable, but she was a sweetheart. she didn't give me any trouble (except one little buck which was kind of my fault) and moved like a total dream. my instructor said, "some days she looks like a $5,000 horse, and then there are days like today when she looks like a $20,000 horse."
  
• broke the psychological barrier and packed some boxes. I got my keys to the new place last night, and moved a tiny carload over today. threw open all the windows, plugged in an air freshener, and stood in the living room scratching my head, trying to decide on the future configuration of my furniture.
  

next on the agenda:

• sell a bunch of said furniture
  
• take a bunch of stuff to Goodwill
  
• pack my entire kitchen
  
• ride my horse again! twice in two days!
  
• heal from my random, softball-induced injuries (hip flexor, foot)
  
• get to the other side of this mountain of stress, already
  

walking the wire

It's a strange time lately. I believed the end of the opera season would bring some much needed quiet and rest, but it's six weeks after the close of our last show and everything is as hectic as ever. There are a thousand reasons for this; here is a glimpse:

• softball
  
• horseback riding
  
  
  
  
• stall cleaning
  
• feeding horses
  
• apartment hunting
  
• packing
  
• or at least thinking about packing
  
• training for a marathon -- or at the very least, running
  
• work projects
  
• finally enjoying the nice weather
  
• tending daily to the garden
  

(I went to the garden this morning to plant a bunch of starts I bought last night. It was nice to begin my day there, in the early morning light; everything was quiet except for the rush of water through the hose. Now in the garden: radicchio, mesclun, radishes, basil, lavender, rosemary, fennel (2 types), catnip, sage, chives, cilantro, broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, butter lettuce, chard, bell peppers, tomatoes, watermelon, canteloupe, lemon cucumber.)

So here is my problem: I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to do on a daily basis, although nearly everything is exciting and good. It's a real conundrum. I would not want to give any of these things up, and in fact, would find it difficult -- each of them is a commitment I've made. I keep having the feeling that if only I could catch up, everything would settle back and I would be okay. I'm happy now -- sometimes radiantly so -- but also struggling.

Oh, blog. There is one more thing for that list. I've been coyly keeping it a secret from you, but I can't keep it forever.

• boyfriend

upcoming

upcoming awesomeness:

3/4: the first Urban Adventure run
3/7: horse show, but I'm probably not going to compete (we're not ready)
3/14: Shamrock 15K race
3/20: Santiam Canyon 5-mile scramble
some Tuesday in March: hanging out with Twitter friends for Booze Tues[day]
all of March: a crap-ton of rehearsals interspersed throughout (though not as many as my stage management friends, god help them)
4/9-12: MOLA conference
late April-May: playing a floozy in the last opera (really)
late May: my BIRTHDAY (plans TBA)
early June: a friend is coming out and we're gonna go BACKPACKING and eat our way through PDX

so, spring is good. did I tell you I won the internship to the MOLA conference this year? it's awarded to a librarian in the first five years of his/her career. this was my last year of eligibility so I went for it. I'll be on hand to help the host librarian work the conference in exchange for 2 free nights of lodging (at the $120 a night conference hotel) and a waived $150 conference fee. I'm really proud about it and excited to meet so many LIBRARIANS! performance librarians! exclamation points!

that's all. by June I hope to be a lean, mean, awesome machine.

2009: what I got

I never explicitly told you this, but my resolution for 2009 was "choose adventure." It was what I told myself when I decided to buy Cookie in December 2008. Choosing adventure as a credo meant that given a choice between action and inaction, the choice was to be action. Adventure was to be taken in ways both big and small. If friends called and said, "Let's go out," then choosing adventure meant saying yes. I wanted a motto rather than a specific goal because I found the idea to be more lifestyle-changing and also more motivating than an individual resolution.

Some adventures I chose (and some that chose me):

bought a horse
went to Disneyland
shot a Winchester rifle
drove through open range BLM roads in Utah
climbed a tiny dead volcano in Hawaii
met Nub
lost Nub
found Nub
walked along the Hollywood Walk of Fame
drove a four-wheeler
swam across the Columbia River
stayed out all night with friends
wrote letters every day for one month
moved in with a roommate
ate cupcakes with my sister in southern California
met Philip Glass
went on a blind date
cut a rug at my cousin's wedding
starred in my own episode of reality TV
soaked naked in a hot tub with friends
worked at the opera, symphony, and baroque orchestra
won ribbons at a horse show
stood on a roof in Manhattan
drank countless martinis
suffered through countless hangovers
got stranded for a night in Honolulu
swam from Sunset Beach to Ocean Isle, NC (and back)
cut my finger open and got baby's first stitches
caught a fast ground ball to second with my knee
went vegetarian for a month
played a role onstage in an opera
participated in a zombie apocalypse
ate a real grasshopper
read a couple books
threw a sweet, sweet holiday party
wrote this blog, sometimes

2009 was an extraordinary year, overflowing with goodness. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the shape of my life -- the work that I do, the place where I live, all the people near and far whom I have the great privilege to call friends. I hope that 2010 is full of wonder and adventure, peace and affection, satisfaction and contentment, accomplishment and joy. For all of us.

what I have been doing instead of blogging

• reading pulitzer prize winning novels
  
• eating my roommate's homemade soup
  
• rubbing liniment on my horse's legs after she was in a car/trailer accident (everyone's fine)
  
• rearranging the living room
  
• re-rearranging the living room, and then squinting, and then moving the rug four inches, and then squinting some more
  
• declaring the living room rearrangement a success
  
• eat.sweat.blogging
  
• wearing galoshes, for lo, the rains are upon us
  
• preparing for nanowrimo, a process which so far has just amounted to thinking, "I should prepare for nanowrimo"
  
• walking quietly under the red lanterns at the art museum, alone, on a cool rainy evening
  
• knitting a hat for my halloween costume
  
• listening to and thinking obsessively about Philip Glass music
  

miscellany

Things The Conductor Has Said About The Death Of Mimi In La Boheme During Orchestra Rehearsal
"Keep on with diminuendo, she's going to die in four bars."
"Coraggio, violins, she's not dead yet."

A Kodak Moment
A few weeks ago we passed a church whose sign read "Come meet Jesus here this Sunday."

A Normal Day in Nutrition, Lately
2 calcium chews
toast with jam
coffee
candy
cake
crackers
more coffee, now cold
half an avocado

Things I Have Thought Of In The Middle Of The Night Which Subsequently Have Kept Me Awake
I am probably never going to get Nub back.

vignettes

1. Driving home down Powell, I pass a man on the street somewhere around 65th who is strolling along in an enormous top hat. Just a few weeks ago, in almost the same spot, a boy of 11 or 12 was walking away from a group of his comrades wearing a Blazers jersey and a very high quality werewolf head. And werewolf gloves. He listed with a young boy swagger, which was completely deserved.

Today in the local coffee shop we spotted a guy very seriously wearing a peter pan cap, complete with feather.

2. At the barn we are working on the transition from halt to trot and halt to canter, and then back to the halt. No upward transition through the gaits, but directly from stop to go. Cookie takes almost no time to understand what I want from her; I give her an intermediate verbal cue before I ask for the halt, and she strains for the moment she is meant to brake. When I kiss and nudge her back into the canter she leaps into it so enthusiastically she nearly rides out from underneath me, and I am laughing, holding my reins loosely up her neck to let her have her head.

One morning we go on a trail ride through the back edge of the property, and when I let her run up the hill, as I know she's dying to do, she turns naughty and bucks all the way up. And yet I trust her enough afterward to ride her bareback in just her halter, and her every step is measured. I am wearing shorts, a tank top, flip flops. Without breeches I stick to her back like glue.

3. In the mornings in the kitchen I pour myself a bowl of cereal and when I turn around one of the cats is climbing the forbidden plant, a big tall palm they are quickly killing with all their forbidden climbing. I brandish the squirt bottle, return to my cereal, and when I turn around ten seconds later one of them is sitting on the kitchen table, nonchalantly, either brazen enough or dumb enough to forget that it's yet another illegal activity. By the end of most mornings I am threatening caticide, and both of the cats are soaked. Most days the note I leave Cristina on the fridge references hanging them by their tails.

In the evenings they are happy to see me, winding themselves sinuously around my legs. Tonight I lay on the rug with them and they came and snuggled; one of them happily rolled upside down and regarded me in that fashion for some time. I remind them to be grateful that their cuteness saves them on a daily basis.

grievances

current grievances with today:

felt sick when I woke up
canceled stall cleaning this morning because I felt sick
felt completely awful for canceling stall cleaning
backed into another car in the opera parking lot last night and felt terrible about it this morning when I parked my car
there's a big hole in my bumper now (the other car is fine)
the zipper of my pants won't stay up and I have to wear them until 11 tonight, including to work a show
I have to miss the first softball meeting of the season (read: drinking party) because of the show
missing brunch club today :( :(

rather

things I wish I were doing today: planting a garden, rocking in rocking chairs on a porch, talking about other peoples' bathing suits on the beach with my cousins, riding a roller coaster, eating homemade peach ice cream, riding in a crappy car with vinyl seats on a hot day with the windows down, drinking wine at an outdoor symphony concert, hiking near a lake, riding my horse across an open field, adopting a dog with Cristina. in other words, being warm, dirty, and outside.

my next day off work is Sunday, March 29. god help me.