April 17, 2010

assorted

so! I've been back since monday morning but I guess I should tell you that the rest of the MOLA conference was also awesome: a few more sessions on various librarian-related things (dramatic rights licensing, rental houses behind the scenes), a banquet (where I did in fact eat an Omaha steak), and the SCOTCH TASTING!

glasses galore

despite all that scotch, and the wine at dinner, and the extra hour I stayed up talking video games with a fellow librarian, and the three hours of sleep I got before having to get up and board a plane, I managed to be a normal, functioning human being for the flight home and even went to work straight from the airport, like a good little bee.

the sun has finally made a hesitant return this week, and one night this week I came home, threw my stuff down, changed into shorts and a sweater, and strolled through the neighborhood to the grocery store. a friend commented recently that all the bright colorful foliage of the season makes her want to yell "BAM!" every time she sees it, and I understand that impulse.

we bloom & bloom
happy tulips

everything is growing with such enthusiasm.

DSCF6358
giant noble fir?

especially the moss.

what Oregon does best

we can finally see the sky! cue collective sense of jubilation:

at last

March 14, 2010

wings

I SO TOTALLY ROCKED the Shamrock 15K this morning. My main points of anxiety were a) I haven't run more than 8 miles at a time since TWO SUMMERS AGO (geez) and b) I haven't trained hills at all and this course had a doozy of a hill, a long 2.5 mile calf buster. But: calves intact! No muscles busted!

I flew through the course. I ended up finishing in roughly 1:22 (according to my Garmin; official results are still pending). That's an 8:41/mi average, which is astonishing to me considering the hill and the first mile, when I was running at best a 9:15. 8:41!!! That's only about 10 seconds slower than my ordinary pace on my mid-week 3.5 milers. That is awesome. I regret not hitting the lap button for each mile -- I'd love to know how fast I ran the last three miles, in order to compensate for how much I surely slowed running up the hill. Maybe faster than 8:00/mi?!

Out of curiosity this afternoon I went back and looked up my race results from the only other 15K race I've ever run, the 2004 Utica Boilermaker. I had been training that year too, albeit in a much more lackadaisical way. I had never had a distance running coach and I was still figuring out whether or not I could even convince myself to be a distance runner. I had not yet run a marathon. My time? 1:47:17 -- an 11:31/mi average. WHOA!

So basically I feel like a freaking rockstar right now. I'm actually in BETTER shape than I realized. When does that happen?? It made me begin to wonder if there could ever be a BQ in my future. The Boston qualifying time for women ages 18-34 is a 3:40, or roughly an 8:24/mi. I can sustain that over 4 miles but it would obviously take a lot more work to maintain it for a whole marathon. And of course that would mean, uh, running a qualifying marathon. I don't have a marathon planned in my future, and in fact I had decided to focus on smaller distances this year. But I'm perfectly on track right now to run a strong marathon in the fall...

We'll see.

I should say, though, that I'm not as much of a rockstar as the two people (there might have been more) who ran the entire race barefoot.

March 7, 2010

show day

Our first show of the season was yesterday, a schooling show that's held by the Thoroughbred Exhibitors' Association every year down at the local fairgrounds. It was not a very nice day for it -- chilly and windy and threatening to rain -- but last year, when it stormed and hailed and snowed, was much, much worse.

I got up at 4:30 and put on my breeches and boots and three sweatshirts, heated up the oatmeal I'd pre-made the night before, and hauled my bag of show stuff to my car. I was at the barn by 5:45, but ended up waiting around for awhile, because, as it turns out, one of the trucks meant to haul our 4-horse trailer had broken down. We ended up leaving the barn at 6:45 instead of 6:15 but still squeaked in to the fairgrounds in time to (barely) make the first class, which I happened to be competing in. (There were a harrowing few minutes where I was hurriedly stuffing Cookie's face into a halter while a friend was helping brush her mane and my trainer had her hand up my jacket, pinning on my number.)

Halter classes at horse shows are the equine equivalent to the dog shows you see on TV: a handler on the ground walks a horse into the arena, "sets" them (squares their feet, as is done with dogs, in different positions depending on the breed), and then trots away from the judge so the judge can see if they have good leg conformation. Then you line up next to the other competitors and (hopefully) make your horse stand still and look pretty and alert for the remainder of the class. Cookie does very well in halter classes, and would do better if we ever practiced setting up, which we don't. We compete with her as though she were an Arabian (she's a half-Arab), which means she should stand like this:

how an arab should look

but occasionally we end up like this instead:
June 6, 2009 horse show: Halter

We entered three halter classes and took third, third, and fourth respectively, earning three ribbons but not passing through high enough to move on to the championship round. She was very, very well behaved, stood quietly, did not shuffle her back feet, and wanted to love on me a little but didn't try to be in my pocket (which, incidentally, was her problem in the photo of us above).

After halter was through we tacked up for our English classes -- we weren't even bothering with Western -- and I walked her back and forth across the grounds about four times so we could both settle down. She was a little tense and anxious in the warm-up ring, and I was thankful that the footing was very deep, so she had to work harder to trot and canter. Eventually she settled down, only to go through the same scary thing again in the show arena warm up. Our first two classes were messy but not bad; she still has problems riding in a straight line and I am still constantly asking for her head carriage, but she didn't run off or spook, which is a tremendous improvement from just a few weeks ago.

We rode in three classes and then had a long break, so we walked up and down the gravel path outside the arena, then stood at the door. I was really wanting to place in at least one riding class, so that I felt like Cookie wasn't the only one winning the ribbons, but I was simultaneously really proud of her for being significantly better behaved than at our last show, when she literally could not stand still the entire day. Outside the gate before our third class, I leaned forward and gave her a long scratch on the neck and face; everybody chuckled at us as Cookie craned her neck back so I could reach her face better from the saddle. I told her I was proud of her, that she was being such a good girl.

Our fourth class was an 18 & over class, typically the hardest for me because I'm riding with all adult competitors who have been riding as long or longer than I have and who are typically WAY more skilled at showing (and often at riding). All the riding classes of the day had been very long, with extended trots and canters, so we were already tired. But we were just on. Cookie had settled into an equilibrium where she was still pretty pumped up but relaxed enough to settle in and listen, and she'd become familiar enough with the arena that I could convince her to ride closer to the rail (which she'd been afraid of in the beginning). My riding felt tight, Cookie was holding her head well, and I'd found a sort of .. I don't know, lightness? in my seat that finally allowed me to ride her into the corners without having her head ganked in one position while her body was in another.

When we passed my barnmates at the lower end of the arena they were so encouraging! They are always encouraging but they're also there to murmur "wrong lead" or "drop your hands!" or whatever else you need to fix. Every time I passed they just said, "Beautiful, Jess!" "You look great!" "Go Cookie!" I was also happy to notice that the dad of one of our lesson kids was there, a former Arab trainer himself who almost always sees me in lessons where Cookie is bucking or steering badly or generally being an ass.

The class took forever, and after walking, trotting, and cantering beautifully in one direction we had to reverse and do the same in our bad direction. At the canter, we'd been going and going FOR A THOUSAND YEARS when Cookie broke into a clippy, bouncy trot; I frantically asked her to pick up the canter again, but again she broke into a trot. I knew she was not being "bad" -- she was just plain exhausted. But we were nearing where the judge was standing, and we had been going SO WELL for the entire class, and I knew if she caught us trotting it would dash any dim hope we had of ribboning in that huge class. "Come on, sweet stuff," I said, "Please? Do it for me, please do it for me." I cued and she picked it up one last time; we turned into the corner and around past the judge, and then they called for us to walk and line up.

It had been a great class, and I felt it was our best chance to place; I also felt that it should be our last class, because Cookie and I were both exhausted and I really wanted to reward her for her awesome work. In the line-up, waiting for the results, I try so hard never to get my hopes up, because in a large group we rarely ever ribbon -- we just have too many issues right now. So I was truly thrilled and surprised when they announced my number for third place! I think I even did a victory fist pump.

We ended up entering the class directly after that one, despite my initial misgivings, because it was a colored horse class and there were only 6 horses in it. And we finished sixth :) Getting Cookie to keep trotting in that class was like an act of god. I had to pull my outside foot (the one out of sight of the judge) completely out of the stirrup and lay it into her side to even keep her moving. But I didn't care at all. At the end of the class, I walked Cookie over and thanked the judge, who had clearly liked my horse in halter classes. "You're welcome," she said. "You need to put a headset on that horse." Don't I know it.

When I came out of the ring, my trainer handed me our yellow ribbon. "BEAUTIFUL JOB, you two," she said. "This is a blue ribbon in my book." What can I say about this? I teared up a little. There's this great scene towards the end of National Velvet when Velvet and the Pie have won the Grand National; they come back home, and Velvet is so exhausted and emotional she's in a swoon. She explains that towards the end of the race she knew that the Pie was totally done and had nothing left, but that she asked him for just a little more and he put his whole heart into it for her. She is full of wonder and gratitude. It sounds completely cheesy but that's how it felt yesterday: like Cookie was absolutely exhausted but gave it one more burst for me because I asked her for it. I truly could not love that third place ribbon more.

I stayed for the rest of the day, although I was done riding, to watch all my friends and barn-mates compete in the Western classes, which they rocked. All 7 of us walked off with ribbons. After we were through we all pitched in, cleaning stalls, blanketing horses, emptying water buckets, and then loaded up the horses and drove back to the barn. I love the post-show flurry of returning everything to tack rooms and stalls; everybody's tired and glad to be done. There's a great sense of community. Usually a group goes out for dinner at the cafe down the street, but not tonight! We all trudged to our cars, cranked up the heat, and went home. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

March 6, 2010

preparation

it turns out that a day of riding, bathing coats, clipping muzzles, braiding tails, stuffing hay bags, loading trailers, and finding hunt clothes will really take it out of you, especially if you didn't bring a lunch. and you've had a headache all day, and the medicine for it makes you starving and sleepy. and it is (thankfully, gloriously) sunny and 60 outside, and your face gets lightly sunburned.

especially when you have to think about leaving the house at 5 tomorrow. 5. in the morning. so that you can go buy a few snacks for yourself for the long day ahead. because you're too tired to go right now, and you're in your pajamas, and you might go to sleep at 9.

you can only hope your horse will stay sane at the horse show, and maybe win a ribbon or two.

bareback day

March 2, 2010

upcoming

upcoming awesomeness:

3/4: the first Urban Adventure run
3/7: horse show, but I'm probably not going to compete (we're not ready)
3/14: Shamrock 15K race
3/20: Santiam Canyon 5-mile scramble
some Tuesday in March: hanging out with Twitter friends for Booze Tues[day]
all of March: a crap-ton of rehearsals interspersed throughout (though not as many as my stage management friends, god help them)
4/9-12: MOLA conference
late April-May: playing a floozy in the last opera (really)
late May: my BIRTHDAY (plans TBA)
early June: a friend is coming out and we're gonna go BACKPACKING and eat our way through PDX

so, spring is good. did I tell you I won the internship to the MOLA conference this year? it's awarded to a librarian in the first five years of his/her career. this was my last year of eligibility so I went for it. I'll be on hand to help the host librarian work the conference in exchange for 2 free nights of lodging (at the $120 a night conference hotel) and a waived $150 conference fee. I'm really proud about it and excited to meet so many LIBRARIANS! performance librarians! exclamation points!

that's all. by June I hope to be a lean, mean, awesome machine.

March 1, 2010

sitting practice

On Saturday, I attended my first zen meditation practice. I first became interested in zen back in college, when I was voraciously reading the memoirs of Natalie Goldberg, whose life (both the writing and non-writing aspects of it) was and is profoundly affected by her zen practice. She talks often in her writing of the discomfort of zazen (sitting meditation), of struggling to quiet her mind while in meditation, and of the things she learned from her zen teacher, Katagiri Roshi.

At some point not long after I moved here, I searched for nearby zen centers. I was struggling with my writing (and still do) and I was curious to try it out. But I never pursued it; I was daunted by the unfamiliarity of it, and I was often too busy. Or made that excuse, at least.

I have thought of it on and off in the past few months -- enough to add it to my very small but growing list of things I'll do after my next birthday -- and last week I discovered that Dharma Rain was holding a free "Intro to Zen Meditation" workshop on Saturday afternoon. I often put free events on my calendar with good intentions, and then inevitably I talk myself out of them because I'm busy or the weather's too good/bad, or something else comes up. Or I chicken out. I very nearly stayed at the barn on Saturday (Cookie was being such a sweetheart), but I didn't. I showed up to the zendo 20 minutes early, and though I knew the workshop was being held in the nearby Dharma House, I hadn't written down the address. The DH is really a house, so although I walked up and down the street looking for it, I didn't have any luck. I figured I'd try the zendo, hoping to find a person or at least a sign to help me out. I strolled in only to realize I'd walked in on a silent group of Zen monks seated at a table. I froze and slowly retreated toward the door, feeling awkward and a little terrified, frantically reading the flyers on the bulletin board with hopes that something would direct me. A minute or so passed and one of the monks came quietly over and whispered, "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for the intro to meditation workshop?" I whispered back. He nodded and directed me to step outside; he was barefoot and in robes, bald-headed. He had the kindest face. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Once outside, he pointed down the street to a nondescript house on the corner. "It's there, in the brown house," he said. "You can go right on in." He smiled.
I thanked him and apologized for interrupting. "It's really okay," he said, and clearly meant it; I believed him. Later I discovered that the monks were in the middle of a silent retreat. I felt simultaneously mortified and grateful for his kindness.

I walked down the street to the house, which was on the opposite side of the road. I was still 15 minutes early so I strolled to the corner before crossing the street; as I stood looking for traffic a woman with flaming red hair called from the house steps to me.
"Hello!" she said. "Yoo hoo!" She was smiling, so I waved. When I crossed the street she asked me if I was looking for the workshop.
"We got here at about the same time," she said, "so I figured you must be coming here too. Go on upstairs! I'll be in in a bit."

I won't bore you with the details, except to say that I was pleasantly surprised to discover a natural physical affinity for meditation: My de facto seated position, in yoga and elsewhere, is typically half lotus (which I find easier on my knees than normal indian-style). Apparently it's uncommon to find many people who are comfortable seated that way. By the end of our 20-minute meditation session -- with eyes open, did you know that? -- the backs of my legs were asleep but I was otherwise OK. I was fascinated to hear feedback from the other attendees, many of whom were fidgety and uncomfortable; some of them fretted to the teachers afterward. Was I breathing correctly? I was focused too much on my stomach muscles. These are people whose main stated goal was to stop being so anxious, to stop overthinking. I had not considered zen practice for that reason, because I viewed it as a religion rather than as an activity.

I did discover that many of the things I do unthinkingly in my daily life have predisposed me towards meditation; early in the session one of the two zen prefects teaching the class said that even after eight or nine years, she still has to remind herself, convince herself, that going to zazen practice will make her feel better. I understood entirely; I do the same thing with running. Running is so much like meditation for me in many ways, as is riding. Learning to push through discomfort; learning to turn off the nagging voice in your mind. I still need help with writing, though.

I may or may not attend zazen on Wednesday. I might ride my horse instead. Who can say. Have I mentioned I'm also reading the Tao Te Ching?

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

-- mary oliver

February 28, 2010

the end of february

today I rented some snowshoes

shoes.

and went up to the mountain. which mountain? this mountain.

DSCF6296

I climbed up a big hill

DSCF6299

and I almost made it all the way to Timberline but I got nervous because there were a lot of skiers and my legs were pretty tired. I wasn't sure if I could cross the ski path fast enough, and I wasn't sure what good snowshoeing manners were in terms of traversing the path with my crampons, so I went back down. but that's OK. when I got back down to the end of the trail I got in the car and drove to the lodge anyway.

hey, you guys? I have a guilty secret. I've lived here 4 1/2 years and I'd never been to Timberline. I know, I know. it's because, honestly? ski culture scares me. I have very little experience with winter sports -- we always vacationed in the summer and cocooned in the winter -- so being around all these alpine people is like visiting an alien tribe. there's all this gear, and I don't know what any of it is called or what it does or how to use it, and everybody seems really die-hard. and clad in gore-tex.

(I did go cross-country skiing once, in college. I loved it. everybody told me it was so hard, but it was like a cross between running and skating, two things I love to do. but I've never been since, and I've never been downhill skiing. it just goes so ... fast. so fast!)

what finally convinced me to go up to the mountain this weekend was a post on the Run Oregon blog about free snowshoeing trips guided by U.S. Forest Service Rangers. FREE! I like free. Snowshoe rentals from REI are only $20, which is almost free. So I was pretty stoked to learn about the aerial tramway from the 1950s, and Mt. Hood birds, and other things I imagined the ranger would tell us. only, see, that didn't quite work out, because the ranger couldn't make it. there was only me and one other couple waiting for the guided trip, so I debated for a minute or two about what to do in the absence of a CHAPERONE. but hey, snowshoeing is just hiking with pointy shoes! I can do that. so, I followed the trail we would have taken, and walked 2 1/2 miles up the side of the mountain. like, straight up. but that's OK! because in two weeks I'm running a 15K and half of that is also straight up, so I could use the conditioning.

anyway, I'm glad I got over my alpine sport aversion and can I just say, I want to sleep over at Timberline TONIGHT. or maybe last night. all the hewn rock and the giant wooden beams. also, the snow covering the windows. and the cozy fireplace. I'm a big sucker for cozy.

it's not exactly the same, but I'm going ahead and crossing off number 21, more in the spirit than the letter of the law. I just wanted to get in the snow.

Nub enjoyed the mountain too.
snow hedgehog

February 21, 2010

a good weekend

yesterday morning, brilliant airy blue sky; by 9:30 I was at the barn, the back doors thrown open to the sunlight. Cookie rolled & snorted the dust out of her nose. Up by her stall, she stood in the cross-ties while I untangled her mane, too long braided, with my fingers. Our riding lesson was better than usual, lately -- she threatened to buck, throwing her head down to her knees, but I managed to ride her through it each time. At the canter she finally gave in and complied. We loafed around the arena bareback for awhile, my dark breeches covered in white hair.



what a nice weekend. for nearly a week now it's been gloriously nice here, sunny and in the 50s. it feels sinful after the week of snow at home, but it's been a blessing too. I was pretty blue at the start of the week, totally overwhelmed by funerals and stress and feeling like I had no idea what direction my life was headed. it's amazing what a little sunshine will do.

nice day

this afternoon I went over to the library. I dropped 3 books and came back with 7. hopeless. I meandered over to the tack store downtown in hopes of checking out their saddles. did I mention that I've just now realized my saddle doesn't fit my horse? I've looked it over several times in the past but only yesterday did I realize that it's too narrow in the shoulder, which means it's tipped back, which is why I can't get my damn legs in the right position. I'm sure it's hurting her too. so now I'm tentatively beginning to look for a new one. to the tune, I'm sure, of several hundred dollars.

the tack store, however, was closed. so I wandered down to the waterfront, where I walked barefoot through the grass. barefoot through the grass! in february! thanks, universe.

then Nub and I went to the world's smallest park.
Nub and the world's smallest park

so, see you later, number seventeen.
Nub playing with park wildlife

I was really happy to discover a tiny treasure trove of wild park animals: a butterfly, a horse, and two dinosaurs. I'll have to go back and visit to see if anybody else moves in.

On my way home, I passed a mustache on a pillow. Good day.
mustache on a pillow

February 11, 2010

Tuesday: grief

I want to tell you about my uncle, Barry, who died last Thursday, four days after my half brother's suicide. My uncle had a stroke in the middle of the night, was flown to the hospital, but was proclaimed in too poor health to survive an operation, and was pulled from life support by early afternoon. Two of my aunts (including his wife), two uncles, and my mother were present when he died, 30 minutes after the respirator was removed.

He was 65. When I was a child he helped me learn how to play the piano by ear; he often accompanied me when I competed on my clarinet in solo & ensemble festivals. He was a cantor at several synagogues, taught voice at two local community colleges, and had a double degree from Peabody. As a child I used to love to sleep over their house, where before settling in to watch movies, we'd gather around the piano and sing. He used to say I had a "sweet voice."

His funeral, Tuesday morning, was attended primarily by family; it was small and quiet. The rabbi, who was unacquainted with my uncle, nevertheless gave a nice speech about him. My aunt and cousin held up admirably, given the circumstances. Afterwards, my entire family went to a reception, but I left them to head up to the MD/DE border, to attend the funeral of my half-brother.

I should mention that the day of my uncle's death, there was a real danger that both funerals would be scheduled simultaneously. I had a minor breakdown in that moment, and swore to my mother that if it came to pass, I would not come home. How could I choose?

It was so good to see my sister, who pulled all the arrangements together for her brother almost single-handedly, because her parents were too distraught to take any action. She was so beautiful and composed. I had spent days thinking of how I wished I could help somehow. 3000 miles is very, very far sometimes.

Before I tell you about the rest of this day, I have to take a minute to explain things to you, because I never have. My sister, Dayna, and my brother Jason, along with my two middle siblings Caitlin and Christian, are my father's other children. There are five of us; I am the oldest by 3 years.

I have never met my father.

In fact, I had not met any of them, nor did I know of their existence, until 2006 when, on the prompting of my grandparents, Dayna searched for and found me on the internet. I met my grandparents for the first time that summer, along with my sister. A year later, I met my sister's husband and son, my brother Jason and his wife, my father's sister and brother and their respective spouses, and my young cousin Hope, whose eyes were exactly the same shade of blue as mine. Slowly but surely over the years I have met most of the members of my father's side of the family, with the exception of my father himself and my other two siblings, who are high-school aged and who, Dayna believed, did not know of my existence.

One day I'll tell you about how all of this has felt -- what mix of gratitude and terror, of hope and guilt; the strange reality of the prodigal child -- but for now I want to tell you how I sat in the back of the funeral home, surrounded by nearly all of my paternal family, and held my grandmother's hand as we wept at the death of my brother.

The service was very difficult. The minister was Jason's best friend's father, and as he started to speak, his voice was audibly breaking. He talked at length, and then allowed people to take the stand; Jason's stepfather spoke, and my sister, and his grandmothers; a friend of his from high school, and his commanding officer in the Marines. It was hard to hear about this boy I never knew, with his giant bottle glasses and sweet personality; hard to know what I inadvertently missed.

Jason was given military honors: three rounds of rifle fire, the presentation of the flag to his mother, and the playing of Taps outside the building. I can't verbalize what that familiar, mournful trumpet call did to me. it was the most excruciating part of the service, and yet I was grateful for it.

Afterwards I stuck by Dayna until I had to leave because of imminent snow. I would have liked to stay. A few strangers came up to talk to me; one relative of Jason's stepfather told me that he'd spotted me from across the room. "I'd know you anywhere," he said. "You look just like him." A small gift, these few words, on a hard day.

February 10, 2010

grounded.

one day soon I'll tell you about yesterday, and two funerals, and how hard it was. it was hard. it was one of the longer, harder days of my life.

but first, I'll tell you about today:

DSC02426

Blizzard Warning
URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE BALTIMORE MD/WASHINGTON DC
103 PM EST WED FEB 10 2010

MDZ003>007-009>011-013-014-110000-
/O.CON.KLWX.BZ.W.0002.000000T0000Z-100211T0000Z/
WASHINGTON-FREDERICK MD-CARROLL-NORTHERN BALTIMORE-HARFORD-
MONTGOMERY-HOWARD-SOUTHERN BALTIMORE-PRINCE GEORGES-ANNE ARUNDEL-
INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...HAGERSTOWN...FREDERICK...WESTMINSTER...
GAITHERSBURG...COLUMBIA...BALTIMORE...ANNAPOLIS
103 PM EST WED FEB 10 2010

...BLIZZARD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 7 PM EST THIS EVENING...

A BLIZZARD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 7 PM EST THIS EVENING.

* PRECIPITATION TYPE...SNOW AND BLOWING SNOW.

* ACCUMULATIONS...12 TO 24 INCHES. DRIFTS OF 3 TO 5 FT POSSIBLE.

* TIMING...SNOW WILL CONTINUE THROUGH THE AFTERNOON. GUSTY WINDS
WILL CONTINUE INTO THIS EVENING.

* TEMPERATURES...MID AND UPPER 20S.

* WINDS...25 TO 35 MPH WITH GUSTS AROUND 55 MPH. BLOWING AND
DRIFTING SNOW WILL REDUCE VISIBILITIES TO A QUARTER MILE OR
LESS AT TIMES... PRODUCING BLIZZARD CONDITIONS.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A BLIZZARD WARNING MEANS SEVERE WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE
OCCURRING. DO NOT VENTURE OUTSIDE. THIS IS A LIFE THREATENING
SITUATION FOR ANYONE WHO BECOMES STRANDED.

FALLING AND BLOWING SNOW WITH STRONG WINDS WILL CREATE WHITEOUT
CONDITIONS...MAKING TRAVEL EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. DO NOT TRAVEL. IF
YOU MUST TRAVEL...HAVE A WINTER SURVIVAL KIT WITH YOU. IF YOU GET
STRANDED...STAY WITH YOUR VEHICLE.

DSC02435

I was supposed to be on my way back to Portland by now, but instead, I'm sitting in my mother's kitchen, watching as it continues to snow. The snow is waist high; some drifts in the yard are taller than I am. I truly have no idea when I'm going to get back. An earlier phone call today to Continental produced a very short message. "We are unable to answer the phone at this time. Please try again later."

DSC02451

On the other hand, Max, our labrador retriever, loves it.

February 1, 2010

I was going to tell you that as I was driving home from the barn yesterday, an entire flock of geese crossed the road in a single file; how slowly they plodded, oblivious to waiting cars. I wanted to tell you it was a magical moment, tiny, a gift from the universe.

but instead I have to tell you that today, my half-brother Jason killed himself.

Jason & Gavin

I hardly knew him. we met only once, at a family barbecue in 2007. my family story is a giant tangled knot, lengthy to unravel. I don't have the energy to tell it to you now. let me just tell you how I am thinking of my sister dayna; I am thinking of her mother; I am thinking of how I barely knew him, and will never know him, and how he must have suffered, and how we are suffering. And how my feeling of loss, though nothing compared with theirs, is tinged with the guilt and sorrow of being a stranger despite being family. my family. did you know that as a child, I always wanted a brother? he was only a few years younger than me. back then, I didn't even know he existed.

my brother. I hope you found some peace.

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