February 1, 2010

I was going to tell you that as I was driving home from the barn yesterday, an entire flock of geese crossed the road in a single file; how slowly they plodded, oblivious to waiting cars. I wanted to tell you it was a magical moment, tiny, a gift from the universe.

but instead I have to tell you that today, my half-brother Jason killed himself.

Jason & Gavin

I hardly knew him. we met only once, at a family barbecue in 2007. my family story is a giant tangled knot, lengthy to unravel. I don't have the energy to tell it to you now. let me just tell you how I am thinking of my sister dayna; I am thinking of her mother; I am thinking of how I barely knew him, and will never know him, and how he must have suffered, and how we are suffering. And how my feeling of loss, though nothing compared with theirs, is tinged with the guilt and sorrow of being a stranger despite being family. my family. did you know that as a child, I always wanted a brother? he was only a few years younger than me. back then, I didn't even know he existed.

my brother. I hope you found some peace.


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