January 14, 2015

day 379, or day 14, depending on the math

some things I'd like to do this year: a belated list of things I'd prefer not to call 'resolutions'
but more like 'kickass shit for 2015'

- read 100 books
- do a lot of pushups so that I'm super good at pushups, for no real reason except that it seems kind of badass
- break my 5K PR
- write more
- embrace the imperfect and messy

the imperfect and messy
if you don't know me in person -- and even if you do, actually -- you probably don't know that my biggest struggle in terms of character flaws is that I avoid things when they feel scary. but by this I don't mean, like, biking out to the gorge or dangling off rock slivers

chillin' - alternate view

or any of that stuff. it's stuff like responding to emails or answering the phone or dealing with accidentally overdue bills. basically, it's things that make me feel like I messed up or like I don't totally have my crap together. and it doesn't matter that I totally know that avoiding things makes them worse. it's a classic anxiety loop.

I also -- and this is probably more well-known -- am really bad at publicly flailing at things. I always say that in general I prefer to show up, like athena, fully formed from the head of zeus. this is perfectionism at its ugliest and most crippling, and it stands as a barrier to joy.

so I'm going to try really hard this year to open myself up to looking dumb in public (a thing that certainly I am more aware of than the rest of the people in public), to owning stupid mistakes, to accepting that things are hard before they are easy and it doesn't mean you're dumb. it's okay to look dumb and ask questions. keep me honest, internet.

are super fun. I had one initial day of bangst (bang angst) when I showed up to work with my new hair and nobody said anything which I was afraid might be a tacit acknowledgement of bad hair, but I got over that and they are super cute and fun and make me feel way more different than expected, especially since I already had bangs, just longer, swoopy ones. so PSA: if you feel like chopping your hair off ill-advisedly over the bathroom sink one semi-glum sunday afternoon, go for it, bros.

this weekend is the debut of my hot dog racing costume. I don't know if I've mentioned it so: I jokingly, and then seriously, decided to race all of this year's xdog races in a hot dog costume, because it's hilarious. the first race of the year is a snowshoe race up on mt. hood. my race buddy and two other friends rented a fireplace suite in one of the resorts up there and are going up a day early to go swimming and sit in the hot tub and run and eat and jump on the bed probably. I am looking forward to it with intense relish. the hot dog costume is not ready (it needs ... tailoring, if one tailors a hot dog suit) but I've committed to it anyway.


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