May 28, 2013

31 & 364/365ths

my last few moments of 31. it's been hard to write these last few weeks; hard to sit still, hard to make anything coalesce into thought. so many things going on. challenging things, good things. exhausting things. the opera season is over and I finally had a weekend and maybe in a few days I'll figure out how to relax and will finally stop wondering where am I supposed to be right now?

over the weekend I bought myself some birthday gifts, mostly with gift certificates I had saved from other holidays. I left all of what I bought in the original bags, to be opened tomorrow, because when you're a grownup sometimes you have to create your own magic. tomorrow one of my very best ladyfriends is kidnapping me for some sort of mystery birthday surprise, because she knows me and therefore knows how much I like mystery birthday surprises.

31 was in many ways just the same as 30: good until it wasn't. this year it feels very much like I'm turning a page onto something bigger, letting go of what hurt. 31 was beautiful and dangerous, dark and hopeless, frightening, grief-stricken, lost. it was filled with regret and longing and terror, but also love, and forgiveness. a crucible. I have come through it, for a moment at least, and hopefully for a long time to come. I came through it. may I always remember that there is a way through.

'it ended bad, but I love what we started.'
-- fiona apple

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely adore your phrase of making your own birthday magic. A fact that I think I have yet to truly learn and I'm ... well....a bit older than 31/32. I hope you have a very magical birthday & that this year will be a very happy one for you.