December 17, 2012
a day and a half before I go home for the holidays. as usual I am looking forward to the flight, long hours of sky and canned air, no one needing anything from me, nothing to do but sit still and contemplate the universe. at home my schedule is full to bursting with people to visit, and still I can't see them all. nine full days there, plus two spent traveling. as usual all I want is trails to run and dogs to throw the ball to and cats to curl into my lap; badly played carols on the new small piano, a warm and cozy christmas morning, everyone cross-legged on the floor, blanketed by wrapping paper.
one nice but unexciting date makes suddenly evident how remarkable and rare real connection is; how sad to have lost it twice recently. I hate talking about dating but it is very much on my mind. it's been a year spent waiting, with seemingly nothing to show for it except scars. when the guy I was seeing suddenly evaporated, I waited just a few days and then cut him loose. 'you've had a hard year of wanting,' my best friend says. 'you deserve to be chased.' slowly I am learning where my boundaries lie.
the world has been so hard to live in. I went to the mall the other day -- where the shooting took place last week -- and made a star to hang with the others. standing in the food court I was choked up, to think of two people dying there, their families bereft. all those tiny children. how this world redeems itself is sometimes the greatest mystery of all, unknown and maybe unknowable. as always, now is all we have.
at 10:16 PM