November 3, 2012

I recently have been haunted by this feeling that I should not have stopped fighting for the person I loved. I know, let it go, jess. I feel really sheepish about it. but it just kind of sits there in my brain, this nagging sensation that this shit was not quite over. I really can't decide if this is denial or if this is some tiny intuitive smart voice of my brain/heart/god/universe/whatever that maybe is trying to get me to get up already and fight for the thing I believe in.

I seriously don't know about this. I find that as I sit around trying to 'move on' or whatever that the feeling I most often have is that I'm abandoning something important. the sensation is very overwhelming. the feeling is why am I just sitting here

a lot of times I kind of just sit around hating his girlfriend, quietly in my mind.
yes, you. I know you're out there.
I derive some energy from that anger, which probably makes me a bad person but honestly at this point I'm really not that interested in caring. I mean, it's ugly of me. I know that hating her isn't fair but who ever said life was fair. what happened to me wasn't fair either, but here we all are, hanging out on this blog where for some reason this is all I can talk about.

actually last night I dreamed that the three of us were having a conversation and for some reason even though we hated each other (and, let's face it, probably hate each other in real life) she and I were holding hands. meanwhile he was saying these terrible mean things to me, which is actually a nightmare I have a lot -- that people I love are relentlessly saying terrible things to me, despite my deeply hurt feelings -- and when I tried to hit him I couldn't (another dream trope) so instead I threw my shoes at him.

the moral of the story, in case you missed the memo, is: I loved somebody and now he's gone and frankly in the context of the rest of the world, so what. but there it is. here we are.

I mean there's also

one of my coworkers fell in an early giovanni rehearsal and broke her back and her absence, along with the absence of her partner, one of our stage managers, has been this enormous gaping hole for the rest of us that we have tried to band together and fill, because we really love them and not having them around was the equivalent of losing about five regular people. the only way we coped/are coping was by grasping onto each other. and coffee.

another one of my coworkers found out in the same weekend that her brother had committed suicide in a state park in nevada back in july. she found out when some hunters found his car, long abandoned.

the wife of yet another one of my coworkers just had to have surgery on her colon to chop out some cancer that they just found like two weeks ago.

my best friend can't find decent-paying work and is way behind on bills and working three jobs and heartsick and terrified and I can't do anything for her but tell her I love her and send her nail polish.

and on
and on
and on

early this week I got a bad cramp in my calf in the middle of the night, only I was so tired that I didn't fully wake up to stretch it out and so I guess my body just let it keep cramping and I couldn't walk on it for three days. it still hurts. this sort of thing seems to happen every time I start running again and after awhile it is really hard to keep getting up and moving forward. like, I really shoudl be stronger than this. but I get up, get knocked down, get up, get knocked down. later in the week I woke up in the middle of the night feeling outrageously sick and spent most of the morning throwing up every twenty minutes.

I tell myself this sentence a lot, resilience is a skill. I believe it but sometimes I am also like, fuck you, platitudes and turn over and stay in bed for another half hour, because it won't stop raining and it seems like everyone is just suffering and suffering and I am so tired and my heart is so sad and there are moments when I feel like the only person left on earth.

there are other days when I run two miles around my neighborhood listening to french language tutorials via podcast and I think that eventually I'll sort this shit out and the sun will come out and somebody will buy me flowers and my heart will stop being a brick of ice and my leg won't spasm randomly in the car anymore and I'll have time for my horse and I won't feel so guilty about being so bad at everything. but those moments flicker by. there isn't any way to tether myself to them. I just have to kind of let them pass and wave and say hey, thanks for coming and hope maybe another one will come by soon.

so, in other words, it's november.

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