October 8, 2012


a thing has happened to me that I guess I thought happened mostly in movies.

the one I love is engaged. and not to me.


I have to just let that sentence sit there for a minute. in a hundred ways, I don't know what else to say.


it feels like a black hole at the center of everything.

it can't possibly be real, can it? it can't possibly be true? that the person who, not even two months ago, hungrily kissed me back on the doorstep of my apartment, has already put a ring on another girl's finger? that the one whose last words to me were "I love you too" has now in great haste decided all of what happened between us must have been a mistake? that the one who said to me, on the phone one night in late august, "when we get married, we can put the OED on our registry," only thought he meant it about me? the person for whom I sincerely asked my mother, "would you ever forgive me if I eloped?"

I cannot compute this at all:


this and hundreds like it I still have on my phone, quietly saved, though I've been unable to look at them these past weeks. they just live there, in my pocket, a remnant of the recent past: the record of this unthinkable love, the proof that it all lay right there in my hands, and then slipped away.

none of this is anything I will ever understand. all the things that transpired to get us here. the way we believe we have any semblance of control over anything. what our will does for us at all.

I'm sorry, internet. I feel very ugly and graceless, maddeningly willful, and I am sure you think the same. why do I seem to be so unbearably bad at learning my lessons? why is it always so messy? today I feel as though I could just lie down and let the unbearable weight of my grief crush me to death. I am so, so tired. there is no escape from myself, from the utter devastation and disappointment running through the core of me, for a person who I believed was better than all of this. that I knew was better than all of this. that I know is.

what does it all mean? what was it all for? I will never understand. and now, there is just me and the abyss at the center, staring each other down.

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