September 25, 2012

okay. you want to know how I am.

I am sick, and exhausted, and absolutely mowed down by sadness. an all-systems failure. the other day my BFF asked, "what's wrong?" and I very seriously thought, "what isn't?"

I survived the gala.


despite appearances, the object really was survival. the following day I did nothing but lie on the chaise all day, too tired to move. that is not hyperbole.

I have so much to say, and also nothing to say. inside my brain it is very loud and jumbled, but I am too tired to get it out. there is so much. I am very broken. I am also getting by, because you have to. I am appallingly, bone-crushingly sad, a sadness which permeates everything, which is now not just situational, not just about heartbreak. it's everything. it's everywhere.

it's fall. everything dies.

last night in tears, alone in my room, I thought very forlornly, "just once, couldn't something just work? why can't my running injuries be the kind that would just heal with time? why can't I just love and be loved without it ruining everyone's life?" a truly morose path of the mind.

that is how I am.

1 comment:

  1. Hey bravissimi, I have no clue how I randomly ended up on your blog one day, but I've been following ever since. You share such lovely thoughts, quotes, and photos. I'm so sorry to hear how you're doing. This past summer (is it still summer? Hard to tell but the days are getting shorter) felt like everything was falling to pieces around me and within me. I was so lost, alone, scared, and sad. Nothing feels quite the same and much has changed for me, but I can say I now feel hope. I worried I had lost that. Everything had to all apart for me to find my hope again--relationships, family, my body, and at work. Some big scary risks, but I'm starting to feel there will be rewards as I continue to heal. Nothing will be the same, it can't be because whatever I was doing, whoever I was is what led me to such a dark place. So things in my life gotta change. Change is terrifyingly and exhaustingly beautiful with possibility. Also, I found a good therapist;) I just wanted to send a note to say you're not alone and to share some of my hope. It only takes a little to get started.