okay. you want to know how I am.
I am sick, and exhausted, and absolutely mowed down by sadness. an all-systems failure. the other day my BFF asked, "what's wrong?" and I very seriously thought, "what isn't?"
I survived the gala.
despite appearances, the object really was survival. the following day I did nothing but lie on the chaise all day, too tired to move. that is not hyperbole.
I have so much to say, and also nothing to say. inside my brain it is very loud and jumbled, but I am too tired to get it out. there is so much. I am very broken. I am also getting by, because you have to. I am appallingly, bone-crushingly sad, a sadness which permeates everything, which is now not just situational, not just about heartbreak. it's everything. it's everywhere.
it's fall. everything dies.
last night in tears, alone in my room, I thought very forlornly, "just once, couldn't something just work? why can't my running injuries be the kind that would just heal with time? why can't I just love and be loved without it ruining everyone's life?" a truly morose path of the mind.
that is how I am.