August 15, 2012

don't be afraid

so, hi blog.

I went back to work. a week and a half ago, in fact. I was kind of dreading it but also kind of glad to get back. I bought myself a new lunchbox, as though I were a kid about to enter the next grade (which is what it feels like, frankly) and it might be silly, but it helped. I washed all the possible washable things in the house (sheets, blankets, clothes, dishes, etc); I reorganized my fridge; I've been spending part of the weekend making tubs and tubs of food for lunches for the week. it's one of a number of possible times in the year when I get to start over fresh, so that's what I'm doing.

I guess my summer was pretty satisfying, because unlike last year, I haven't felt sad about it being over. I mean, there was the feeling of dread and doom on the last few days of my furlough, and of course every day there's a moment when I think, 'it'd be great to be on my bike in the sun right now,' and of course most of all I miss having total control over my time. but on the whole I'm pretty proud of the way this summer seems to have gone, that I'm ready to move on and am not feeling sad about saying goodbye to it.

I'm trying to live all my life in this way.

there are the normal updates. the garden is out of control. somehow the peas are still making peas, which doesn't make any kind of sense in nature but whatever, I'll just keep eating them until the plant finally dies. the salad bested me and everything has started bolting before I could eat it all. there are tiny watermelons. I might have exclaimed TINY WATERMELONS!! out loud the other morning. fortunately nobody was standing there. I have three of the most beautiful zucchini you can imagine. one of them is longer than my forearm and I'm pretty sure it could double as a bludgeon. there are probably a hundred cucumbers. the tomatoes are leggy and hopefully they'll ripen. I let anything that volunteered itself just grow where it would so this year there's not much rhyme or reason to where anything is, which, whatever. wild is okay.

my kid sister's in the midst of field hockey tryouts. she got a brand new, very fancy stick while I was home. what a different world it is from the track world. the first cuts are today. of course I'm three thousand miles away and fretting, although she ran a 6:50 mile (she has to run sub-8) and feels, generally, pretty good about her chances. my other sister's son -- the cutest nephew ever, obviously, except maybe for my other nephew -- starts first grade in two weeks and we can't get over that. my third sister wrote me a lovely email over the summer telling me she wanted to get to know me better, and vice versa. my kid brother is running cross-country again this year. he got to be the mascot at the national aquarium, where he has an internship. the puffin. I die. my other brother is now following me on twitter, which I guess means he knows I exist, finally. don't worry -- I can't keep track of them either. one day I'll draw you a diagram.

cookie's half-leaser scored us a perfectly-sized pessoa close contact saddle over the weekend and it is about 800 times better than my admittedly beautiful, beloved old crosby. the two of us felt like we were robbing the guy she bought it from, even though he knew what he was doing. it feels like a dream. I rode on saturday for the first time in six weeks. it was alarmingly weird for the first thirty seconds, and then of course it was fine. I'm so thankful for danielle (my half-leaser) I don't even know what else to say about it. we got into a hilarious love-fest on saturday, when she exclaimed, "cookie is the sweetest best horse, you are so lucky to own her! I am so lucky to ride her!" and I replied, "I am so lucky to have you! we are all so lucky!" group hug moment. we abstained. anyway, I love her and now my saddle's at home, making the whole living room smell like leather.

I'm still itchy for change. waiting to know what that will be.

if I've been kind of quiet, it's because there's a lot going on these days, and a lot on my mind. intensely personal, too much so for this space. writing has been the best refuge -- isn't it always? when will I learn -- but not here. it's good things (so stop worrying), but big, and things for which there is absolutely no map. which is true about all of life, I suppose.


  1. lee anne myslewskiAugust 15, 2012 at 6:00 PM

    Yay for new beginnings in September! Somehow these rituals always seem less desperate, more promise-full than the ones in January, right? Sending good thoughts for things big and little. :)

  2. Every time I go to text you, it is like, 8am here. Which makes it inhumane to text a westcoaster. I was at professional development meetings today and DIDN'T text you. That is friendship. Anyway: LOVE. and I am sorry (not very sorry.)