August 21, 2012

+/-

+ sunday with my friend rachel, who I finally got to see somewhere other than above a table full of dead chickens. we had brunch and then wandered up and down hawthorne, looking at things. when we were figuring out what to do she said, 'you're so good at making ordinary things adventures!' and I thought, 'wow, I'm developing a reputation.' I kind of couldn't live up to it this weekend -- too worn out -- but it was so nice to see her.

+ housesitting for some friends. free satellite tv, hot tub, backyard, but in the end the thing I most appreciate is, again, the simplicity of having friends who have become like family. the feeling of belonging that comes with being familiar with someone else's house, with being trusted with someone else's things. I thought a lot while I was there of the nights I used to go over to cristina's, before we lived together, and do her dishes while she was in the middle of insane tech weeks. a simple, small thing that made me feel like I had a family here.

+ my kid sister made the field hockey team and now she's up for captain. I'm proud. they are finally allowed on facebook (my mom is very conservative about some things) and one of the first things my brother did was ask me how to 'claim' me as his sister. I'm glad they still haven't decided I'm not cool anymore.

- waking from a dream where it is sunny and I am on a group bike ride, climbing up some imaginary road in the west hills, just reaching the peak. when I woke I was so, so sad. I haven't been on my bike since I started back at work. I'm still trying to remember how to fit everything in. I slept through my ladies' ride last weekend, which felt like the right choice at the time but now makes me full of regret. I think it would have helped.

- true, utter terror about hood to coast, which is this weekend. I am, very simply, not ready, and with a strange recent flare-up in my leg, almost certainly too injured to run. it hurts to crouch, it hurts to sit, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. anyone who has been around these parts for any time at all knows how long that's been true, and there isn't even language for how much I don't want to keep saying it. goddamn, I don't ever want to hear myself talk about injury again. but this morning I burst into tears standing at the kitchen counter, because I had to crouch down and put away something in a lower cabinet and I couldn't do it without extending my leg, because it hurts so much to bend that knee. I don't know what else to do for it other than stretch and massage and try not to have a nervous breakdown.

+/- desperate to go camping, desperate to hike, desperate to be dirty with the windows down, to go swimming in a lake, to take a train ride, to drive to the other side of the state, the other end of the country, the other part of the world. still so itchy.

+/- still so preoccupied.



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