November 20, 2011

what I'm looking forward to

+ vegas with my sister: running a race neither of us have properly trained for, jumping on the beds at circus circus, drinking girly drinks at caesar's palace, and playing the slot machines at least once

+ riding my horse, who I am finally ready to return to after a pointedly long absence

+ breaking 20 minutes in the 5K. that is going to happen.

+ window shopping in NYC with tristan; also, potentially taking a long bus ride with tristan where we bring a bunch of stuff to keep us occupied but end up talking the whole time anyway

+ having beers with my high school french teacher

+ four days off at thanksgiving

+ eating unlimited shrimp at sizzler with heather UNLIMITED SHRIMP

+ christmas trees

+ getting holiday pedicures with the ladies

+ seeing my beautiful friend hannah hold her new baby, due in january

+ holding said baby myself OMG I can't wait

+ new running friends

+ cooking a personal-sized thanksgiving dinner on friday, because I'm headed to thanksgiving with a bunch of friends on thursday and while I'm thrilled to be with them I'm also sad not to be cooking the meal for the first time in 15 years

+ trying to win my age group in the turkey trot on thursday, so I can win a PIE

+ potentially trying to learn (at various levels) four languages simultaneously. yes. four. life is short.

last night, I dreamed I was tidying up in scott's place. he wasn't there, but was coming home. we weren't together anymore, but maybe I was trying to be. so much of it was like life: I like to tidy things. suddenly his mom was there; I opened the door and we hugged, simultaneously saying, "you look great!" in the way you do when it's been a long time since you've seen someone. there was some comfort in it.

later in the dream, scott came home; as dreams often go, he was just suddenly there and we were suddenly alone. he was moving to washington d.c., which I was trying to convince him he would hate. things between us were over. there wasn't sadness, but a dogged determination on my part. I think I was still cleaning.

I have a lot of things to say about this past week, but I don't know if I will ever say them. in the end -- I want to be clear that I say this resignedly, without bitterness or even grief -- I feel like scott betrayed and abandoned me, a person he continues to claim he loved up to the end. I still don't understand how he can reconcile loving me with his refusal to try and work things out, or even to speak to me. I think I will never understand it. but I have reached a place where I can see that it reflects back on him and not on me; I can finally say, I did all I could.

universe, I did all I could. I could not have tried harder. I learned from my mistakes -- mistakes which were small, might I add, and not egregious -- apologized, and tried to change. if I had been asked to, I would have waited for him forever.

it's his loss now. I say that emphatically, and I believe it. what a shame for him, truly, to have once loved someone who could, in the end, overlook her pain to try and be there for him, who would have loved him completely, and to have thrown that person away, without explanation. if you love someone, then you forgive them. if you love someone, then you work. love is a choice. end of story. I feel even sorrier for him that he believes he is right.

shiva is over. I want my fucking life back.


  1. I love this post. LOVE. And not just because of the all-you-can-eat shrimp.

    How lucky for the rest of us that you have released him from your life, and all that love you have spilling out of you will be received by people who appreciate you and love you back.

  2. Mistakes are studiyng us how to live properly, without them it will be no experience. U'll back your usual life, I'm sure!!!