November 14, 2011

swan song

as of last night, it is all the way over between me and scott.

I believed that if only we could spend a little time together, as we have on a handful of occasions this last month or so, it would be apparent why we had fallen in love in the first place. but he threw in the towel long ago.

I talked to a friend today, one I haven't talked to in a long time, and he said, 'it seems like if you love someone, and that someone is committed to changing the thing that was wrong, well, then that should be enough.' I thought so too, but that's not how it came to pass. "I forgive you" is sometimes just lip service.

as has been apparent for some time, I've never suffered a heartbreak such as this in my life.

we had so many beautiful times, and so many hard times. I believed that we were at the very end of the hard times, about to push through again to joy. but I was the only one who believed it. I have continued to believe it these last long lonely months. I still believe it could have been possible. but I'm alone in my belief.

now we are through speaking to each other, and seeing each other.

I continue to experience tremendous disbelief that two simple words can change a life. it's over. despite all I have learned, on most days the thing I long for most is to rewind and take it back.

now, I keep saying to myself, I have to be a very brave girl. because just at the moment when I gave up my intense desire for independence, I'm going to need it back.

part of me wants to truly eulogize us; there are so many beautiful things to grieve. I may, or may not. for now, how I feel is this:

.

I love this person with all my heart. I have loved him more completely and faithfully, despite pain and heartbreak, than I have ever loved anyone in my life. and, though it pains me beyond words to say it, may his name be blotted out.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Jess. You don't deserve this. And it *should* be enough. This is his failing, not yours. Xoxo

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  2. So sad for you, now go give Cookie a hug.

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  3. sure, Cathy! link away. thanks for your note. xo.

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  4. it's on my list for this weekend, Phil :)

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