November 14, 2011

swan song

as of last night, it is all the way over between me and scott.

I believed that if only we could spend a little time together, as we have on a handful of occasions this last month or so, it would be apparent why we had fallen in love in the first place. but he threw in the towel long ago.

I talked to a friend today, one I haven't talked to in a long time, and he said, 'it seems like if you love someone, and that someone is committed to changing the thing that was wrong, well, then that should be enough.' I thought so too, but that's not how it came to pass. "I forgive you" is sometimes just lip service.

as has been apparent for some time, I've never suffered a heartbreak such as this in my life.

we had so many beautiful times, and so many hard times. I believed that we were at the very end of the hard times, about to push through again to joy. but I was the only one who believed it. I have continued to believe it these last long lonely months. I still believe it could have been possible. but I'm alone in my belief.

now we are through speaking to each other, and seeing each other.

I continue to experience tremendous disbelief that two simple words can change a life. it's over. despite all I have learned, on most days the thing I long for most is to rewind and take it back.

now, I keep saying to myself, I have to be a very brave girl. because just at the moment when I gave up my intense desire for independence, I'm going to need it back.

part of me wants to truly eulogize us; there are so many beautiful things to grieve. I may, or may not. for now, how I feel is this:


I love this person with all my heart. I have loved him more completely and faithfully, despite pain and heartbreak, than I have ever loved anyone in my life. and, though it pains me beyond words to say it, may his name be blotted out.


  1. I'm so sorry, Jess. You don't deserve this. And it *should* be enough. This is his failing, not yours. Xoxo

  2. So sad for you, now go give Cookie a hug.

  3. sure, Cathy! link away. thanks for your note. xo.

  4. it's on my list for this weekend, Phil :)