October 4, 2011

Six horses died in a tractor-trailer fire.
There. That's the hard part. I wanted
to tell you straight away so we could
grieve together. So many sad things,
that's just one on a long recent list
that loops and elongates in the chest,
in the diaphragm, in the alveoli. What
is it they say, heart-sick or downhearted?
I picture a heart lying down on the floor
of the torso, pulling up the blankets
over its head, thinking this pain will
go on forever (even though it won't).
The heart is watching Lifetime movies
and wishing, and missing all the good
parts of her that she has forgotten.
The heart is so tired of beating
herself up, she wants to stop it still,
but also she wants the blood to return,
wants to bring in the thrill and wind of the ride,
the fast pull of life driving underneath her.
What the heart wants? The heart wants
her horses back.

-- "downhearted," ada limón

two of my favorite people on earth are simultaneously getting their hearts broken tonight. and here I am, a thousand miles away from one and three thousand miles from the other. I've been thinking hard these past few days about the path of love, and compassion, and forgiveness -- how much peace they bring, how they seem hard but for me, lately, have brought only relief -- but all of that feels so hard to say now when my sister and my best friend are both in the first terrible raw stage of grief. and here I am, so far away.

so many times in the past four days I have wished for a benevolent force in the universe, not for myself but for the most beloved of my people. so that the love I have for them might wind its way through the world when I can't be there to hold them myself. I curl up in bed and think, 'maybe if I just love REALLY HARD, it will reach you.' may this please, on some level, be true. may you out there who are hurting, who are struggling, whom I desperately love -- may you know it, may you feel it, may the magnitude of my desire to make you feel better reach you somehow, calm your poor sad exhausted heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment