August 10, 2011

finding a way

a certain someone and I have broken up.

I cannot bear to go into the details here. we both love each other, but we have been struggling for some time with figuring out what our relationship should look like. last week we finally realized we didn't know how to proceed, and decided it might be best to end things.

I have spent the last seven days in a state of near despair, and have cried -- at times quite hysterically -- in front of practically every person who's seen or spoken to me since last wednesday morning. it has been, undoubtedly, one of the hardest weeks of my life.

scott went away this past weekend to spend time with his mom, who was visiting from out of town. it was a trip that had already been scheduled, and it allowed me some time alone to let the dust settle. I did a great deal of soul searching in his absence, and realized that I had been wrong about an ocean's worth of things.

blog, it's easy to make things rosy-sounding when you are writing snippets about your life. you can cherry-pick and spin and the pictures you take and tell can narrate any manner of tales. the reality is that I have been struggling very hard at least since the beginning of 2011 with all manner of bad feelings, related to depression, monetary struggles, injury, time management, lack of direction. I have often been, to a certain someone, an unpleasant presence to be around. while I thought I was trying to get better, and allowing myself the space to improve, what I was actually doing was wallowing, and sulking, and resenting others for what I perceived to be their good fortune while I sat at home feeling friendless, injured, poor. it was hard to face the world feeling that way, and next to impossible to impart love upon my partner in this world.

breaking up last tuesday night shattered all that I had built up around me. it broke me open. the things that had mattered -- money, time, whether my horse will keep her damn head in the right place -- were insignificant. they were fake. they were things that I had allowed to dominate my life, all the while missing one of the true things right in front of my face: this person who loved me and wanted to be loved, who wanted to build a life with me. I had become preoccupied with nitpicky, ridiculous details, and had missed the big picture.

just a day after the breakup, I would have done anything in my life to time travel to tuesday afternoon, to impart my knowledge onto tuesday-afternoon-me, the clueless one who couldn't understand that while not all her problems would be easily solved, they weren't nearly so bad as she thought they were. I lost sleep wishing that it was all a bad dream.

things between the two of us have not once gotten nasty, or hateful, or bitter, or even for a moment mean. the sad truth is that I love him emphatically, in ways I did not understand. we are gentle towards one another, and feel that there is a great ironic tragedy in how well we now can treat each other, now that we have ended it, and how much we needed these conversations months and months ago.

I don't know what will happen. I have been trying with all my heart to practice the buddhist way of deep looking, mindfulness, the caring of suffering. this means breathing in and out, being in this moment, acknowledging both my pain and scott's, and caring for this pain as a mother would her crying baby: with great care and compassion, and without avoidance. this process has made something crystal clear: I continue to love him so much. anything else that has been a struggle between us has, for me, fallen away. I understand where all the pain and hurt, misunderstandings and blame came from, I acknowledge them, I forgive them, and they don't matter to me anymore.

we have come to a place of peace in our relationship, with some possibility -- neither of us know how great or small -- of being together again. for the last few days this possibility has made it possible for me to experience relief, if not even, in fleeting moments, joy. today, though, I'm struggling with the knowledge that our time together is fast ending: I'm moving out in two days, and we will part for an unspecified amount of time to mend ourselves. I know in my heart that all I can do is continue to practice love and compassion (towards him and myself), move on with my life, seek contentment, love my friends, care for my responsibilities, and keep going. I can't change what's passed, and I only have a little control of what's coming. but it's so scary. it's terrifying. suddenly here I am, having found this tremendous force of love, and I have to have faith that the love itself is enough, even if scott and I are not destined to be together. the thought alone that I may never share my life with him again in this way continues to break my heart.

if you are having a struggle like this, learn from my mistakes. wake up. take a breath. look inside yourself. the things that you believe stand between you and finding great joy -- you can overcome them. they are not as bad as you think. if you need help, ask for it. if you need love, ask for it. but also: look deep inside the one you love. if they are suffering, listen. LISTEN. if you think you're listening, and you're still frustrated and angry and not getting anywhere, stop, and breathe, and listen again. look the one you love in the eyes, and tell them you are there for them. for a moment, put your pride away and consider that you may be a part of your problem. forgive yourself. love. love, love, love.

love.

internet, if you see me in the next few weeks, please forgive me for my tears. I cannot put into words how much I am going to miss him.

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