June 16, 2010

not every day can be a good day. today was hard. I was in one of those singularly foul moods that you get in from time to time, the kind where you wish you could just not exist for awhile, because you feel insufferable and full of frustration, cranky, ready to do battle with the weather and time and inanimate objects. the root cause of this is the debilitating stress I'm feeling over my imminent move; I'm so stressed about it that I've been rendered paralyzed. I look at places online and never follow through; I think about how tomorrow I'll do something about this and it never happens. I'm procrastinating because I patently hate searching for apartments -- chalk it up to a childhood of moving around -- and also because I love this neighborhood and this apartment and haven't the smallest desire to leave. but I just can't afford it, and it's too small to find a stranger for a roommate.

this paralyzing stress has permeated a lot of the other aspects of my life, so that for the past few days I've felt as though I'm in a deep rut, with a lot of things needing to be done and absolutely no drive to do them. little things, like doing my laundry and emptying the garden detritus out of my car, and also big things, like arguing with my landlord about the cost of next month's rent. today it all sort of spun to a head, with the list of things growing and growing and my own frustration, directed inwards, mounting and mounting. it didn't help that I kept accidentally banging my head into things.

I'm a little better now. I vowed to stay awake as long as it took to get a number of things accomplished, even if it meant drinking the pitcher of iced coffee in my fridge; even if it meant seeing 2 or 3 AM for the first time in ages. some things got done. some things are still pending, but I hope to strike at them fresh tomorrow, with less animosity.

tonight at the barn, Cookie was as bad as ever. I've taken to calling her "Death Wish," which is how I feel every time I get on her. I thought she'd be calm today after our ride on Sunday, but she was very hot. I refused to lunge her before riding, because I don't want to fall into the habit of needing to pre-exercise my horse before hopping on. she should have good enough manners and sense to keep herself together, despite her energy level.

should, here, is a nice concept, but we're still in the theoretical stage.

I knew from the moment I walked her down from the barn that I was going to be dealing with Death Wish mare: she was prancing. when I got on, I didn't even bother to fight our normal battle, the battle of Standing Still While Mounting, Thank You. she was so humped up and ready to go that I feared forcing my will upon her would just drive her bonkers. instead we tried to launch into a long trot -- who needs walking? -- only to have my instructor laugh and say, "her feet are hardly even touching the ground!" tell me about it. it felt like riding a loaded gun.

it took us, once again, about ten minutes of jack-rabbiting to settle in. after she finally did she was actually pretty smooth and well-behaved. when the initial threat of imminent demise passes, having slightly too much horse (rather than too little) is nice; she has great impulsion and really collects up under herself, so I have more to work with than when I'm trying to slog her around the arena. it was also a pretty good simulation of what she'll be like in the show ring: full of beans.

still, it's no fun to feel like you're riding towards your untimely demise, even if only for ten minutes. I could really live the rest of my life without all that head tossing, mare.

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