May 5, 2009


the weather in Portland has been manic: periods of blue sky and sun followed by torrential rain, followed again by sun. we even had a thunderstorm the other day. I had just brought Cookie into the barn and we stood in the aisleway hearing the water pound down on the metal roof, hard, as if it would drive straight through the earth. when it thundered, I thought she would spook, but she stood quietly in the cross-ties, alert but unmoved. around us the horses jigged and called to each other. I didn't want to leave because leaving meant getting into my car, and getting into my car meant not hearing the thunder. and how I miss thunderstorms.

here is the truth. I'm kind of a mess lately. the apartment gets cleaned and then things get strewn about again in haste, and it's a mess again. dishes are eaten upon and left on the counter. clothes are dropped exactly where I peeled them from my body. bills are unpaid. to do lists remain untended. this is what the end of the season looks like: clumsy and distracted, headachy, grumbling, tired. today I was hungover from two drinks consumed over a period of more than two hours last night, and the unfairness of spending my day off feeling like a pile of trash when I hadn't even EARNED it really weighed heavily. I mean, I slept until noon, a feat I haven't performed since college.

and yet, it's OK. we're crashing through the last ten days of the season, and then it will be over. afterwards my dear friends will leave for places beyond. I can hardly bear to think of my life here without them.

other things I've learned from being a concubine:
  • the orchestra will not recognize me
  • and when they do they will all have something to say about my costume/hair/role
  • and when I change out of my costume every single one of them without fail will say "you're back!" or some variation therein

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